WELCOME… to Finding My Purpose, a place I created to help me process my grief and really figure out what the path I’m supposed to be on.

My husband Rob and I were blessed with triplets in 2012 even if only at 25 weeks. They spent the first five months of their lives in the NICU in Chicago, IL. One of our sons Benjamin suffered complications from being born so early and was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegia Cerebral Palsy at just 10 months old and then Epilepsy a little more than a year later.

This would lead us down a path we did not expect and were not yet prepared for. We were introduced to the world of significant needs and fought on a daily basis to provide Benjamin with the care, tools and resources that would meet his needs and enable him to have the best possible outcome in life. After a series of health and respiratory illnesses over an 18-month period, Benjamin Robert passed away in my arms just before his fourth birthday in 2016.

Up until this moment, I was a mom to triplets, a mom to a special needs boy, a mom trying to keep up with the daily grind of young kids and managing a home, a mom struggling with her purpose in this world and her identity.

Just as any mom to a special needs child can attest, our family revolved around the needs of our son. Then one day, he was gone.

Who had I even become? And what was I meant to be … now?

After about a year of barely making it through each day, I decided to believe this was how things were meant to turn out. He was only to be mine for a short time. But he was going to have an impact on this world. He had fulfilled his purpose here and now it was up to me to see it out. I felt called to establish a foundation in his name. The Ben Smiles Memorial Foundation was formed in April 2017 to purchase adapted toys and devices for kids with motor challenges, where typical play is difficult.

I also turned to various forms of writing including blogs, news articles, stories and even children’s books, as a way to process my grief and despair, and create meaning for the family change we were forced to face. The first book in the Ben’s Adventures children’s book series published in May 2018. The series stars a young brother in a wheelchair who shows that all children, despite medical or physical differences, can play and dream.

If you have landed on the FMP website because you have recently lost a child, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I hope I can be a resource to you and pray we can support each other as we navigate our way through this terrible circumstance. If you are here because you like my writing, then THANK YOU for finding me and I’m thrilled you are here!

I continue to struggle on a regular basis with how our world has unfolded, but I’ve come to accept and believe that things happen for a reason and this was meant to be our story.